Alright, everyone.  One month has passed since the end of the adventure of a lifetime…or “quarterlife crisis extravaganza,” as one might also call it.  And so, in this one-month anniversary edition* of “Mad Farming Skillz,” and probably the last post ever, unless Molly gets off her ass and puts something final-looking and reflective up here, I give you an update on the lives of key players in our summer activities.  Or, as it is commonly known…

 

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

DANIELLE: Danielle is in Washington, DC, pursuing a master’s degree in global communications at the Elliott School of International Affairs (GWU).  She is a little nervous, as one might expect, but generally positive-feeling about the endeavor.  She is also not at all intimidated by her fellow students who have all apparently had internships SINCE THEY WERE SIX YEARS OLD with such luminaries as Golda Meir and Gandhi and Nelson Mandela.  And then they all wrote policy papers that once and for all solved the problem of world peace and harmony.  Policy papers that, as a fringe benefit, also rid the world of Crocs and obesity.  My fellow classmates did this all in their sleep.  And then they were awarded Congressional Medals of Honor for having once again saved the world and with such style and panache.  And then said classmates called up their diplomat parents with the good news and cheerfully tossed their textbooks (which they’ve all already read) (unless they are the AUTHORS) into the air in a carefree fashion.

<uncomfortable, self-doubting fidgeting>

DANIELLE IS NOT INTIMIDATED!  BRING IT, I SAY!  <collapses in sobs>

<sniffle> Regarding Europe: Danielle had a great time and will miss the farms.  She has missed Molly as well.  She particularly misses Molly’s warm hugs, her kindness, her comforting scent, touching her face at night…

<awkward pause>

MOLLY: Molly is in Buffalo Center, Iowa, having just returned from a tour of Italy with our good friend Shanna.  She passes her days playing Chutes and Ladders with herself, cheating and then tattling to her mom, Pam.  She misses walking at a maddeningly slow pace while Danielle has aneurisms.

ANIKA: Anika’s children magically matured 10 years each overnight, and are the best farmhands in Europe.  They cook, they clean, they water the garden for their mother and lead 20 horse tours a day, as horse tours have recently seen a major boost in interest.  Anika has gained 30 pounds and eats bon-bons while watching daytime television and letting the water run ALL DAY because she can, because — oh yes — they also now have ALL THE ELECTRICITY AND RUNNING WATER A PERSON COULD EVER WANT.  Godspeed, Anika!!!

NIKOS: Due to an Ouzo-soaked evening on his fishing boat and a subsequent series of escalating “I am a Greek man!” assertions, Nikos decided he could beat an orca in a fistfight.  He has not been heard from in quite some time now.

CATERINA: Despite the aforementioned boost in maturity, she is still covered in cat poop.

SOFIA: Still loves Barbies.

YANNI: Religious conversion.  No longer devil-child.  Now an altar-boy.

HALLIE: Hallie is back at college, where she is happily pursuing a Bachelor’s degree in AWESOME.

(Yup.  That’s the best I could do.  Hallie, I hope you still like me anyway.)

ALLIE: Allie quit school to build rickety wheelchair-accessible ramps in the middle of Italian hayfields.  She is making a fortune.

PAOLA: About a month ago, Paola took some Quaaludes and then lay down for a nap.  She’s still sleeping.  Good for you, Paola.

ROBERTO: Roberto is teaching abstinence-only sex ed. to Sinbad.

PIETRO AND MARTA: Smoking up, watching “The Big Lebowski,” not getting any of the jokes or even dialogue, giggling anyway.

THE RABBITS: Upon dwindling to a population of two, the rabbits staged a miraculous comeback due to some truly amazing feats of reproductivity.  They are now fantastically inbred and are mostly blind in their right eyes.  Consequently, they hop/spin in circles all day long.  Except for when they’re vomiting from dizziness, of course.

FRENCHY: Shortly after Molly and Danielle’s departure from the Spanish farm, Frenchy was attacked and gnawed to death by one of the feistier heifers.  He is currently being chewed as cud, and is arguably serving more of a purpose in life now than he was a little over a month ago.

JOSEP: Dead.  Bovine syphilis.  Who knew?

JOSEP’S COWS: Content.

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OK, so this is the end.  Really.  I’m sorry the blogging is over, because it was half the fun of the whole trip, but as the French say, “C’est la baguette joie de vivre oh-hoh-hoh.”  Thanks for reading all these months.

Signing off for good,

Danielle

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*OK, listen up, word-snobs.  I know there is no such thing as a “one-month anniversary,” but you can just go straight to hell.  BOOYAH.