It is my understanding that many of our readers might not know the mechanics of stable cleaning. For general knowledge purposes I will now present the steps required to make your or your neighbors’ stable a clean and welcome refuge for your giant domestic beasts of all shapes and sizes.

STEP 1: Don full body armor and rubber boots. If your boots have holes in them (like Danielle’s did), put plastic bags in them first. And whatever your boss says, put those gloves on.

    STEP 2: Grab shovel. Clutch it.

    STEP 3: Begin cleaning around very large animals in a dark, enclosed area.

    STEP 4: Notice how the cow bells ring louder and louder, increasing their violent speed, the sound bouncing back and forth and growing and multiplying and turning shrill and pulsing in your ears, drowning out every other sound on earth. Dizziness. Disorientation. The dark room starts to blur and spin. The bells. The bells. THE BELLS!

    Then a French teenager will make a disapproving noise in an area you have just cleaned, and you will be brought back from the black, noisy abyss.

    STEP 5: Help Grandma or similar octogenarian motivate cows to go back to the pasture. Note: Grandma gets a big stick and a full arsenal of surly Catalan to do this. You flail arms and maybe offer grumbling suggestions. “Maybe it is comfy to sit in your own filth, Bessy, but I have to clean there now, please.”

    STEP 6: Once cows stand up and start moving home, they all will suddenly poo in unison. They like to do it on the cobblestones while walking at a medium pace. The splattering sound seems to make them happy, and walking ensures more splatter. Some of the cows seem to look at you first, their big watery eyes filled with mischievous glee, before they turn away and leave a big present behind them.



    STEP 7: Start the bulk of the scooping here. Hint: It is helpful to use your boot to push stubborn remains on to your shovel.

    STEP 8: After scooping comes scraping. Tighten your death grip on the shovel and rake the business end over the trouble spots until fairly clean. An aside: The following is a brief shout out to any cow, ever, in the entire world and whole history of time, that has ever, in his or her life, managed to defecate on a flat surface. I love you, neat and obliging cows, wherever you are. May you have long happy lives of good weather and green grass and freedom from old ladies with sticks.

    STEP 9: Continue scooping until wheelbarrow is full to brim.

    STEP 10: Dump into tractor.

    Repeat steps 9 and 10 many, many times.

    STEP 11: Ask French teenager if you are finished. No matter what he answers, punch him in the face in response.

    STEP 12: Dance the flamenco on the new clean cobblestones.